This is no ordinary joint.
There’s not much I agree with when it comes to billionaire tech guru Mike Cannon-Brookes.
His footy team – South Sydney – is hopeless. He leans heavily on the whole climate change thingamigig in a pursuit for even more cash while magic carpeting around the planet on his very own private jet. And he hates wearing shoes. And he’s got a man bun.
But bloke knows a lifestyle when he sees one. [Insert OK hand emoji here when this software updates]
How the bloody hell would I know you ask? Well I spent last weekend at his new bachelor pad and it rocks! Nice way to spend $15m mate.
Wanna watch your team – lose probably in Cannon-Brookes’ case – in your own private lounge bar while sipping margaritas? Tick.
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Who doesn’t want a bar in their home?
On the biggest flat screen money can buy, but it doesn’t seem like the Kings Cross Coke sign because the room is the size of a pub? Tick
Make as much noise as you want because the neighbours can’t hear a thing? Tick.
Have a post-game sauna because that’s just what Latrell Mitchell would do? Tick. Tick. Tick.
Honestly, you just run out of ticks at this place.
You would run out of, or lose a lot of things at this award-winning penthouse because it’s so damn big. I got lost three times just coming back from the toilet. (Was it eighth left or 13th right?)
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Gotta move past the fact he’s a Souths fan. Picture by Damian Shaw
Because this is some pad.
Footy only on in here.
The security lift opens straight into the apartment. While that’s a must-have for any self respecting billionaire, it’s rather vertigo inducing if you’re a little bit worse off. Isn’t there a door to knock or on a buzzer to … buzz.
But that standing still on a yacht feeling only lasts a few seconds before you walk out onto the glorious alfresco terrace to a cold beer waiting for you. Your own lounge bar on your left, the sauna to your right, the billiard room ahead of you and beyond that a kitchen Gordon Ramsey would f%#*ing fight you over.
And above the glorious Sydney sky, in all its greyish/blue winterish charm. It’s like you own that too. (Because you probably could.)
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The celebrity kitchen.
You need Google Maps to find your way out of this bathroom.
The sauna.
One of the four generous bedrooms.
This is a place you would never want to leave because out there life just isn’t nearly as good.
Out there, they don’t have walk in wardrobes the size of Myer stores.
Out there, they don’t have gyms just for one.
Out there, they don’t have – ah, they just don’t have anything on this.
You could spend a year here and not get bored. (I spend an hour just in the kitchen cupboard.)
It’s Nirvana-like. And I’m talking about the Dalai Lama-like Nirvana, not the Kurt Cobain one.
There is just one problem and it was itching away at me like a spare $1000 bill in my Armani trousers. Something was amiss. Despite all this gloriousness the world wasn’t quite right on its axis.
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This bloke knows a lifestyle when he sees one. Picture: NewsWire / Martin Ollman
As Souths lost another game of footy (shame) and I poured myself another top, top, top shelf margarita with Cointreau, Grand Mariner and Clase Azul it hit me like a hospital pass.
There. Is. No. Pool. You can’t be The Great Gatsby of 2025 when there’s no pooool.
No 50m Olympic number. No big piece of glass you can see into and out of. Not even a little splashy or a sauna.
Ho-hum.
You can’t have it all I suppose, even when you’ve got billions in the bank. Nirvana is like that.
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Did we mention the bar?
The pool room.
But, tragically, there’s no pool.
No bikinis nor boardshorts aboard this inner city super yacht I’m afraid.
And that’s when the tackle, that comes after the hospital pass, hit me.
Maybe the grass isn’t greener on the other side.
It was time to deboard.
So, I put down my margarita, pulled my Roosters beanie back on and headed off to the footy for a couple of beers in the outer.
That Atlassian dude can have his Rabbitohs and his climate change and his bare feet.
Because Rugby League is the Grand Opera for us proletariats you know.
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Back to the footy. Picture: Getty
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